Unseen
April 27th, 2010 § 24 Comments
Now that spring has sprung, I get the sense of everything being “new” again. You know, we remember trees are actually green, we see flowers in bloom and that white stuff ceases to spit from the skies for another five months. I can’t help but think aside from the foliage outdoors, that spring also means a sense of feeling “new” myself.
As you may or may not know, this winter I went through a pretty tough breakup. I recovered fairly quickly – perhaps too quickly. I found myself feeling as if nothing had happened within hours. Since then though, I have found my mind being occupied with thoughts about all aspects of the relationship – the good, the bad, the why, the how, the hurt. Oftentimes, it’s the little things that remind me of it and him and how great I felt when we were good. At first it was the usual – the mix and match 6-pack of beer in my fridge, the Nature’s Valley bars in the pantry that only he ate, the big empty space in my bed every night. Then as I felt my mind was moving on with the passing days, little unexpected reminders would surface. DVD releases for the movies we saw together being advertised, the mention of his company’s name when I asked patients for their health insurance information, a few items of his clothing stashed in my drawers uncovered in a rage of spring cleaning, things being brought up in conversation that immediately without a second thought warrant a mention of, “xxx likes that, too” or “We went there once,” that I just as quickly tell myself not to say.
I heard somewhere – and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was from “Sex and the City” – that every relationship is just a comparison to those before it. We are constantly measuring up the checks and balances to the last person we shared our lives so closely with. While this may be true for the time we are actually still classified as “not single” what happens when the “not” drops off? Does the comparison game continue? Should it? Or does it change to comparing ourselves then to what we should have been then? Or who we are now? When does all the “shoulda, coulda, woulda, what the hell was I thinking?” stop and the “OK! Movin’ on!” start?
I hate that I even give the time of day to a single thought surrounding someone who projected so much hurt into my heart. I hate that somewhere, there is still a part of me that cares. I hate that three months – and in some cases three years – later the ghosts of relationships past come back to haunt me.
But.
I love that I can choose to do with my time what I want. I love how I can stay up til 1 a.m. doing nothing and not have to make the obligatory good night phone call or go to bed hours earlier on account of someone else’s schedule. I love that I can choose to spend my vacation days taking trips I’ve paid for and planned out. I love that I can watch anything, cook anything, eat when I want, bum around sans shower, be lazy, run at my leisure and make big decisions without having to consult someone else.
This is the time where I need to love all those things and love them on my own. This is my winter where everything is happening underground – unseen – and when spring comes, I will no doubt, bloom.
i love you!
Seriously, this sounds like it was written by Carrie in SATC. I can even HEAR it in an episode and imagine the full 30 minutes (ok, 24 mins, since HBO always screwed us) and see what would happen.
There is a reason for everything and I know that something better is coming your way!
You are amazing! I’ve loved doing that too the past few months. My freedom is going to be cut short very soon! haha
I friggin’ love this. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about an ex or even talking about one in conversation; it’s not that I’m hung up on them, but the frames of reference for my life have shifted over the years, so it’s hard to NOT talk in terms of “when Dude and I were together…” The great thing about this whole healthy living lifestyle is that we’re truly doing it for ourselves and nobody else, and I’m literally spoiling myself by doing it while I’m single. I’m so comfortable doing those things in the last paragraph that now I wonder if I’ll ever “compromise” my independence by letting another man in to cramp my style! Awesome post, girlie!
What a great post girl!!!
I just recently found your blog and I’m loving it! (Maybe it’s the similar blog titles, ha!). I’m pretty positive that the checks and balances this is from SATC, Carrie is so smart.
It is sooo important to have you time and to feel like you are fully in charge of what you do (money wise, time wise, etc). You are awesome girl!!
PS, I love this
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by HowSweetBlog, TheTwentyFifthYear. TheTwentyFifthYear said: Unseen: http://bit.ly/d9saQs [...]
I agree with Jessica. Very Carrie-esque. And I loved it. It’s posts like these where I struggle with what to say. I can’t say anything too witty and inappropriate. All I can say is that I feel this. A lot.
Hey hey-
“…that every relationship is just a comparison to those before it”
Good lord I hope not haha! Can you imagine the stress?
As hard as the days/weeks can be after a breakup because you start focusing on all the ‘good’ that’s not there anymore (amazing how the actual cause(s) of breakup can be pushed back when you think about the good stuff that’s missing), the time after can be spent processing, growing, taking what you need and letting go of the rest.
I’d be more inclined to say ‘every relationship forms memories, builds character, pushes you to grow and is unique to you and that person, good and bad.’ This can be said of all relationships/friendships/blendships
Comparing is what gets us into trouble, makes us lose focus and can lead to jealousy which is never productive. If someone finds him/herself comparing, he/she’ll never be happy – sure there’s lots of daily occurences that will be reminders, but I sure would hope they aren’t all measuring sticks, I’m no good at math
LOVE YOU AND SEE YOU SOOOOOON!
This was such a well written and well thought out post. Not currently, but I’ve been in a similar position before, caught in a limbo of missing the past and enjoying the present. Keep finding all the little joys!
reminds me of a bella swan quote: “The absence of him is everywhere I look.”
Those tulips are beautiful and so are you! Truly, you are beautiful in spirit and positive in ways that are so inspiring. Having the freedom to be OURSELVES is not something that should ever change, and especially not because of another person. Good for you for recognizing YOUR new Spring!
Truly fantastic post! I recently started reading this blog via Healthy Tipping Point. I’m a daily reader now! Hang in there – you’re doing so well!
Wonderfully well written and honestly this helps me in my current breakup. Thanks for writing this and her is to hoping things get spectacular for us.
Beautiful! We all have seasons in life. You’re right–it’s so hard to deal with the “winter” of our lives. I just remind myself that God uses those times to teach us about ourselves and who He is…so when I do blossom, it’s greater than I ever could have imagined!
I love this post so much!
this is wonderful! i went through a break up not so long ago and just wrote an email to my closest friends talking about the positive and negative aspects of the break up – and I sounded sooooo similar to you. Things are hard but I also love not answering to anyone! haha
Wow that was so beautifully written – very inspiring. Keep up your optimistic outlook and enjoy yourself – you deserve it.
What a wonderfully written post! I’m glad you’ve been able to embrace so many of the positives you’ve pointed out and not been completely bogged down by the negatives.
I know it’s hard to spill your guts on the internet, but this post was great. I can totally relate and I’m totally in a different place than you. I guess we’ve all been there and bounced back
I seriously love that you wrote this. My past relationship and current single status is a huge part of my life, yet I never share it (nor see anyone else share about their relationships) via blogging.
I feel the same way about being single. It feels good to not make that “goodnight” call and to plan my day completely on what *I* want to do. But when I catch myself thinking that way, I realize that that’s some of the evidence that I wasn’t in the “right” relationship. Sure, there are perks to being single, but *for me* being single pointed to the fact that I feel much more relieved to be out of the relationship than I thought I would….or probably should. Does that make sense?
Wow you are an absolutely fabulous writer! I know it’s hard to spill your guts, and do spill your emotions online like you did wow! I just moved to the Pittsburgh area so I am loving the fact that it’s where you’re from!
xo
A relationship will only work if it makes YOU happy. So great for you for doing things on your own right now and knowing that life will ultimately work out. Breakups are really tough, but everyone survives one day at a time.
(my breakup was a few years ago and it was devastating….so thank you for posting this!)
ok…i typed out this whole comment and the damn computer ate it. yikes….ok, basically, as everyone else said…enjoy your life NOW. one day you will look back and not even care about the ex…….life is too short to live with regrets! you are a strong beautiful girl and one day you will meet prince charming who loves you and everything about you!!!! xoxo