The 26th Year
October 4th, 2010 § 18 Comments
As it turns out, the best gift was to take some time away from the Internet and just focus on myself. It didn’t hurt my counterpart from Pittsburgh was in town for a post-birthday visit! We had quite the series of events, a few of which I plan to share with you later this week. Let’s just say cupcakes were consumed, mimosas and Shiner’s toasted, old movies were watched and many, many laughs ensued.
I got to see more of this city of mine and discovered new bits and pieces to appreciate. On Carrie’s last night, I slipped on my boots and for the first time, I sensed a feeling of comfort come over me. I felt like this is where I live – not where I’m visiting.
We talked goals, dreams, futures and “what if’s.” I thought a lot about Pittsburgh and really ached for it. I reminisced my beloved Stadium Loop, remembered what fall felt like when the temperatures dropped and appreciated the first 25 years of my life I spent north of the Mason-Dixon line.
I realized this life of mine is very different from the life I lived in Pittsburgh as I collapsed into bed every night last week, exhausted from the socialization that’s become foreign to me over the last two months.
I remembered this life of mine is so open and endless. Everywhere I go brings absolute newness. New faces, new experiences, new impressions to make and be made.
I felt a burst of zest when I handed out my business cards. It felt so right to give the answer, “I’m a writer,” when people asked me what it is I “do.” When they gave their reactions – delight, surprise, a smile – it was all I could do to resist snapping a photo. Instead, I’m relying on my memory to replay those moments when frustration leapfrogs happiness and my mood changes to despair.
The big fat truth that’s been staring at me for a long time is my life’s direction is one that is mine to decide and discover.
I could sit here and argue that I’ve never had such a blank canvas with which to paint write my future upon. It’s more appealing, romantic even, to think of it that way. Instead, when I think back on my past endeavors and adventures, it’s as clear as the varying ZIP codes: I always had the opportunity to make my life what I wanted it to be.
Sometimes I took advantage of that – when I signed contracts, met with HR, had the first-day butterflies, I did it. When I woke up early, meticulously planned my days off or skipped a night out for the sake of a training run, I did it. I did it every time I logged into WordPress, hit publish, held my breath and waited. Each time I packed my car to the brim and made the drive “home” to an unknown place, I did it.
There were times, of course, I didn’t.
The times I steered in the opposite direction of change, instead staying the course of comfort. When I said “Yes” when I should have said “No.” When I had just one more, went against my better judgment, said what I knew would hurt, let myself be hurt.
I don’t believe this new place is a clean slate. I don’t think it holds the key to every happiness. Happiness is a place in my heart, not a spot on a map.
I do believe it holds the possibility of what I want being what I have. I believe it holds the probability of cherished memories, pieces of my history and an incredible amount of love. It’s mine for the taking. Last week reminded me of that.
I’ve had a chance to start anew, but I’ve never had so much time to think about it. I’ve never been in a place where I know so few people. Those that I have met have been wonderful, yet I still keep my distance, whether it’s by choice or by force. Life, in short, feels completely overwhelming. I feel like I’ve got so many ideas, endeavors to take advantage of and high expectations for myself that sometimes it feels like my head – and similarly, my heart – are going to burst.
I know I need to break it down. For this one-time over-achiever and notorious perfectionist, I’d like to ask my friend, the cliche, to be of assistance.
That is so much easier said than done.
I realize I may come off quite the optimist. I might seem like I have everything together, like I’ve got talent, the drive, a dream and passion. Perhaps I do, but it’s not such a neat, pretty picture. That blank canvas? It’s starting to look more like a piece by Jackson Pollock than a paint by number.
As I begin the 26th year, I have a feeling this could get messy.
Funny thing, I don’t seem to mind.
One of the best feelings is definitely when you realize you can call the place you moved to “home”. And then go on to enjoy and discover more about your home every day. I love it!
Hey hun!! I miss you… and I just want to say your hair rocks in that picture.. You look wonderful!!
Miss 25/26th year! You have all the words! You depict all too accurately what real life, real people and real situations are. That insight is a gift xxx
Your post was wonderfully honest. I think it is always hard to move to a new city and “invest” in new friends and relationships. It is great that you can so openly reflect on how you are adjusting. Today’s post was such a joy to read!
Ahh my 25th is tomorrow so happy belated! And awesome pictures you caught! Awesome post!
Messiness is what makes life LIFE. Without it, It’d be pretty boring.
What a beautiful post. I love how excited you are for the future. I bet great things await you.
I am so glad you are beginning to feel like you are HOME! <3
I love this, especially about moving to a new place called “home”. I’ve been so homesick lately but I know moving to London was the right choice for me as the choices you’ve made are right for you. woo hoo welcome to 26, it’s not so bad!
Love this: “Happiness is a place in my heart not a place on a map”
How true! Your words and thoughts are so meaningful to me! Thank you for being brave and being open!
I miss you!
Lady, the only thing that keeps on popping up in my head as I read this is my favorite quote.
“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.”
-Theodore Roosevelt
THANK YOU for being bold.
And for seeing the trees and the forest.
“I don’t believe this new place is a clean slate. I don’t think it holds the key to every happiness. Happiness is a place in my heart, not a spot on a map.” <—- YEP, definitely learned that for myself yesterday. I had my first round of interviews (you know where!), and the minute I entered the city I thought, "okay, where is this amazing, exhilarating, romantic life I anticipated?!"
Once I realized that there's actually no such thing (because as you mentioned, happiness/joy is found within US), I first a) became incredibly discouraged then b) gave up on glamorizing this location and instead just tried to make the best of it. Would you believe that after that realization, I ended up having an extraordinary time?! I gave up on those crazy expectations, and that's when the NYC dream finally appeared to me. I can't say whether or not that will stick around, or if I'll even end up there, but it was definitely a very necessary learning experience.
I’m so happy to hear that you’re starting to feel at home again. It’s so true that happiness is a place within us, and I know you will find so much happiness – especially now that you’re seeing things so clearly. I can’t wait to see how it all turns out!
Love this. Can’t wait to read it again tonight when I’m not flying out the door at my job
I love your attitude, Caitlin
Great post!
Happy belated twenty-fifth!! I love this : Happiness is a place in your heart, not a spot on a map. So true, and something I’ve come to realize more and more as I’ve gotten older. Best of luck on your twenty-SIXTH year.
this is a BEAUTIFUL blog, caitlin! you are so talented and have a innate ability to paint a picture with your words. I love reading your posts and am so excited to see what life has in store for you!!
Dude I dont know if it’s the 1,000 vitamins that are packed into my system but…….Lovey Im Inspired! You pretty much took all of your thoughts, feelings, frustrations, concerns and packed them all into THE MOST well written, well spoken blog yet! “Happiness is not a place on a map, but its a place in my heart………..WHHOOOAA man you got me! And P.S. I think your next blog should be about, that poet’s dream about seeing himself as a teenager and what he would warn himself about.