My New York State of Mind
November 15th, 2010 § 16 Comments
It’s been awhile since I’ve had anything deeply meaningful to say. I knew New York would change that. It’s amazing how a city, a place, a location, can change the way someone looks at life.
The whole time we were there I just kept telling myself, remember everything about this moment.
I made a physical effort to take it all in. I wanted to recall how I felt and what I saw. I wanted to remember smells and sights right down to their acute details. I wanted to hear snippets of conversation of passersby and be able to share them. I wanted to gather up each emotion my senses went through, bottle it and keep it in a jar for another day, put it on a shelf to look at longingly, paint it in a picture to hang in every space I ever live in. Remember. All I wanted was to remember.
In a sense, I wanted to be a journalist again. That’s what a good one does – paints the picture for their reader so vividly that it’s impossible not to imagine themselves there. When I feel like a journalist, I feel alive. I feel like all of life’s puzzle pieces start forming recognizable borders and the image starts to become so clear I don’t need to reference the box anymore.
It took me several days to unpack my bags. My mind was too busy unpacking every detail of that incredible trip that sparked so much within me.
I’ve been battling the age-old question of “Why?” I’ve been sitting in a room, curtains drawn, being extremely introverted. Thinking far too long and much too deep. New York parted the dark heavy shades, threw back the fabric, casting blinding light through, piercing my eyes. It was only with that ray of brightness that I could see all the dust that’s been floating around my world; the little particles of matter that really don’t make up much and are only cast off a larger material that doesn’t need them anymore.
There are so many parts of our lives we don’t need anymore. That are cast off as dust, but remembered and recalled too often. In the dark, they can’t be seen. Shine a light and you’ve got it all, staring you back in the face, floating silently but seen so clearly.
See, this whole pick up and move across the country thing? It ain’t easy. But do you know what is easy? Thinking about all the things I used to do, all the people I miss whole-heartedly, focusing on what my past had and what my present does not. It’s easy to cast a warm glow on the past because it already happened. You lived through it, you survived, you learned your lessons. The present and the future? You might as well put them in a corner of a dark, cold cement room because you have no idea if you’re gonna love it or hate it.
That’s what I kept doing with my here and now. I kept comparing them to my then and when.
New York was my therapist. My Dr. Phil, if you will. It grabbed me by the shoulders, looked me straight in the eye and said with a Southern drawl, “What are you doo-in’ girl??”
Despite its abrasive nature, New York gave me four days to just work through everything. Work through my doubt, my insecurities, my fears, my questions. It let me be my clumsy self. It allowed me to browse its stores, admire its windows, enjoy its people. It enveloped me in a rush of warmth each time I entered a coffee shop, teeth chattering with cold. It gave me guidance to know exactly where to find a front row spot (twice!) to cheer on my runner at the marathon. It let me stare off into the distance, open my mind and just let the universe come rushing in. It gave me the time to wander its streets and neighborhoods with someone who just gets me, who encourages and supports me in an unbelievable way from a country away. Someone who looked at me many times and said, “You’re so quiet. I can tell you’re inspired.”
She also said, “I can’t wait for you to live here.”
You can’t pay me a bigger compliment.
So for all of that and so much more, I want to say thank you to my beloved New York. Thank you for getting me up out of my chair in that isolated, dark room when you threw back the curtains, turning me around to remember there’s a way out. I know how the old saying goes and I’m not really sure who closed the door this time around, but I peeked my head out and saw a hallway full of many, many more to be opened.
Absolutely beautiful! NY has that effect on me as well!
Love this so much. I know you will be in NYC one day!
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by ThenHeatherSaid, Caitlin. Caitlin said: New York, thank you http://bit.ly/arWrCc [...]
okay a) I’d like to you know I poured myself a glass of wine before sitting down to read this post b) you are such an incredible writer, it inspires me in more ways than you realize 3) you need to come visit London right meow
No. Words.
Okay, well maybe a few.
1. I think this is the most beautifully written post I’ve read all year, anywhere. You have the chops girl, and now that the curtains are thrown back I know you will thrive!
2. Can I be your roommate when you move to NYC? I’ll take the smaller room/closet and do lots of cooking!
Perfect and wonderful … just like you.
Writing + NYC living = You
Make it happen
i think you will definitely be living in NYC. I can see it! YOU come alive in this post, it will happen!
It’s very cool that you are inspired so much by a certain place.
Also, what an awesome thing for someone to say! That just makes it seem much more magical.
New York! New York! Keep lovin’ life, girl.
Such beautiful places
I can’t wait to get back to NYC one day!
Oh how I love NYC.. I’m jealous that you’ll live there one day.. so I’ll just have to live vicariously through you
You are such a fantastic writer.. I could read your stuff all day long I feel like I’m just having a conversation with a friend
I hope that I can visit there someday soon!!
[...] of the New York City Marathon, it was kind of the center of my trip there a few weeks ago. In case you missed it, let me bring you up to speed. One day, Alex said to [...]
[...] got on our list. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve waxed poetic on my love for this place before and simply can’t wait to be inspired and excited again. Catch you from the flip [...]